Dagger’s Blog

Weighty matters is not getting enough of my attention, on so many levels.  For the last month, I have been so discourage.  I’ve been battling back and forth with 2 putrid little pounds.  Up 2, down 2, up 2, down 1.5.  I just couldn’t seem to shake them for good.  BUT…to be quite honest, I wasn’t trying that hard.  I mean I wasn’t being disciplined about the foods I was eating.  I wasn’t in Big Mac heaven but doing the bite here of this and bite here of that thing.  But during the month, I did do a lot of thinking.  All I kept focusing on was this 2 pounds…why was that?  I couldn’t be happy about the 9 I had already lost.  I didn’t get this focused on 2 pounds when I was on the way up in weight…why now?  I still don’t have the answers, but I know I need to change the focus.  I didn’t get this way over night.   So I took a trip back in time…  I have been overweight (over 200 lbs) since I was 25 years old.  Between the age of 22 and 25, I gained over 50 pounds.  I have some thoughts on why that happened that I’m not quite ready to reveal here.  But suffice it to say, I’m not the same person I was then, my circumstances are much different than they were then, so why do I weigh the same…actually more.  If I had the answer, maybe losing the weight would be easier.  I don’t know. 

But, I haven’t given up.  I finally moved past the 2 pound plateau, at least on my home scale.  We’ll see what the official WW scale says next week.  And I’m celebrating the 9 pounds gone rather than 4 weeks wasted.  And remembering that the slow weight loss that comes with a shift in lifestyle rather than a fad diet is the best way to go.

Today was a stressful one.  I was aware that I had kind of screwed up in several places along the way.  I kept trying to get back on the program (see there I go again, referring to it as being “on” something or “off” something).  I guess in this case persistance paid off.  I lost .6 pounds this week.  So…my total is 9 pounds lost for a weight of 261 lbs.  I was really excited.  Attending the meetings is really helpful.  I normally don’t go for all that camaraderie stuff (just call me “minijanis”).  But the people who attend the meeting are really nice.  This one gal named Cyndi brought me a bag of Durkee Citrus Grill seasoning to try.  Bill and I put it on pork chops…it was excellent!  At Weight Watchers you get a free pass that allows you to skip the weigh in if you think it might be bad.  I think you get like one a month or something.  I was seriously thinking about using it this time.  I’m really glad that I decided to face the music.  If I had chickened out, I would have spent the next week thinking I had gained.   My new mantra….if you screw up, don’t give up!

They say confession is good for the soul.  I don’t know about that…

But, I’m going to confess anyways.  This has been a bad weekend for the old food plan.  It started Saturday night with a particularly delightful bottle of South American Malbec!  I don’t know if it was more potent than normal or if it just hit me faster with less in my stomach.  But I was a little less in control and the first thing to go was the food plan.  It sort of gave me the munchies!  And munch I did…from one thing to the next.  I just couldn’t stop myself. 

Sunday, I woke up with a little more resolve and was ready to go at it again.  But we kind of got off to a late start and then Bill started changing out the light fixtures in the kitchen.  (The new ones are gorgeous!!!) But they gave him a bit of a fit and he cussed and hammered and growled his way through two light fixtures.  His growling makes me edgy…and when I get edgy…I eat.  Now that’s not to say that this is Bill’s fault.  He certainly had the right to be growly about that first light fixture.  I have to learn how to step away from the situation and not let his growly make me edgy.  But Sunday was not the day that I wanted to apply this lesson.  So…to escape, we munched….and munched…our way through Sunday night. 

I was better today, but Weigh Day is just two days away now and I’m dreading it.  I was on plan all last week and only lost a pound.  Could two days of wreckless abandon set me back two weeks?  This is normally the point where I say screw it…don’t want to face that disappointment…so I don’t go to the meeting, don’t weigh in and before I know it, I’m back to my old ways. 

But, I’m trying to set my resolve now.  I’m going to the meeting on Wednesday and I’m going to work out afterwards.  And if I’ve gained, then Thursday is a new start.  Lord knows I’ve “fallen off the wagon” enough, I think I just need to practice getting back on, as many times as it takes! 

Send good thoughts my way!!

Well, yesterday was THAT day.  The dreaded “weigh day.”  I was sweating it a little.  I had done ok for the week as far as behavior was concerned, but using my own home scale, I could see that it was going to be close.  Bill always seems to marvel at the fact that I vary in weight by 4 or so pounds just between the morning and the evening. 

So anywhoooooo….I weighed 261.6.  That’s a grand total of ONE WHOLE POUND!  This is when the lifestyle change starts to become difficult for me.  When progress is measured one pound every 7 days, it’s just very hard for me to stay motivated. 

I’ve also determined that I’m addicted to food….well maybe not food because if my choice was seafood or nothing, I could happily survive on nothing.  I guess I’m addicted to binging.  Once I start eating, it’s hard to stop…much like an alcoholic.  The only difference is, I can’t “cold turkey” food (no pun intended). 

So…here’s to another day, another week, another month with the new healthy lifestyle!!!  I am beginning to see some benefits.

Well, today was the day.  Weigh Day.  Drum roll, please………..262.6 for a total loss of 7.4 pounds.  I’m off and running. 

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November 19 – 270, December 10 – 266.6, December 17 – 266.4, January 7 – 262.6.

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I’m really happy and a little surprised actually.  Christmas was a week long foodfest.  But I wrestled control of myself and didn’t give up.  That’s been my biggest motivation stealer…giving up or allowing myself to stay out of control for an extended period of time.  I’m going in to this working on trying to maintain control or at least get it back more quickly than I have in the past.  That will be the key for the long haul, I think.  Keep checking back for progress!

I’m about to get really real with you. One of the reasons that I started this blog was to journal about an issue that’s close to me…all around me, actually. My weight! Now, lest some smug individuals in that land on the far left side of the Americas thinks that I started thinking about this because some heathen “adult” with an adolescent brain called me fat in a personal attack, you can wipe that smug ass look off of your face. You had nothing to do with it. I always thought it was funny that people thought they could hurt me by using some superficial deficiency in a derogatory manner. Don’t they think I know how much I weigh. I mean, I have to brush my teeth every morning and night. And I don’t do it with a blindfold on. But I guess that just shows the idiocy of that notion. But I digress…
I have battled my weight for most of my life, particularly since I’ve been an adult. I’m sure there are deep-seated issues that I have to deal with, but I haven’t figured them out yet. But here’s what I do know. I don’t want my weight to kill me…and it will. Do you see many obese old people? In order for that not to happen, I have to do something about it. I joined Weight Watchers on November 19, 2008. Who else but a masochist joins Weight Watchers the week before the biggest pigout holiday of the year? Now, here’s where I get real. I have come to understand that this will be a whole lot easier if I reach out for support from family and friends. In the past, I’ve kept things hidden and fought the battle alone. I know there are people curious about my weight. I know this because my son used to pester me about the magic number. No one but the folks at WW really knows how much I weigh….until now. My starting weight on November 19, 2008 was 270 pounds. There I said it. I have been successful with WW in the past but have been unable to keep the weight off. I think that’s because I still kept viewing it as something I started and stopped, not a real change of lifestyle. But we’re all in for the lifestyle change. About the time I joined WW, we received a real blessing. Because Bill is active duty military, we got a free membership to the YMCA. We joined and we’ve been working out. I really do enjoy going to the Y.
Now I will admit…I have sort of gone through the holidays half hearted about the whole thing. I don’t weigh in again until January 7, 2009. But now that we’re past Christmas, I have to put my whole heart into this thing. I’ll be posting my progress here. I’ll be posting my downfalls too. You folks are going to keep me real and honest and I hope provide encouragement. I hope that by being honest with you and myself that I’ll discover what I have to change on the inside to perpetuate change on the outside. I’m not trying to look like some super model. I just want to be a healthy weight so I don’t have to start medicine for diabetes which is a weight loss death sentence. And I would ultimately like to get off the high blood pressure medication. There are all sorts of things I’m looking forward to as I make this journey. But for now… this is the start of it. Stay tuned!